In the previous post, I explained how living with anxiety seems like but what is the cause behind all the stress and fear that keep piling up during this period. Most of the time the underlying cause is the loss of control over your own self, normally we can't control everything around us but at least we have a semplance of control over our own actions and choices. When you feel that you were repeatedly forced to make choices that you didn't want to make for work or loved ones, or when the people around you keep pushing you to react in a certain way when you would prefer never having to be in that situation from the start, then the one or two forced situations keep dragging out more things that you have to do.
Then when you start having anxiety attacks, your sense of helplessness and lack of control over your responses make things worse for you, deepening your misgivings and you start being afraid of yourself because you can see that depending on your flawed judgment to continue making decisions at this point will only get you into more trouble. You might try turning to the people that you trust to make decisions for you when the matter is important and you don't want to mess it up but often times than not you still feel that the decision was forced upon you even if you would probably make the same decision on your own anyway.
This creates a constant feeling of restlessness even when you are not having an episode or being under pressure, you start thinking that the people around you are a constant source of much of your restlessness and stress so you prefer being alone unless you absolutely have to be with people, thinking that the outward quietness might extend inwards, which never happens in reality. Occupying yourself with work, watching a movie or listening to music gives you a much needed break from the restlessness and noise inside your head.
The question here is why do you keep feeling restless despite being alone with no stimulus ?
Inside each one of us there are two parts. The first one is the ego or personal self which is responsible for perceiving the outward influences that shape our personalities and beliefs as well as our perception of truth or reality. The other one is the self or soul who has no attachments to the outer world therefore it can make unbiased judgments based on absloute truth. Let's think of it this way, inside of you there are two people, one is young, curious and wants to try anything that seems interesting and is influenced by the collective perception of the people/society he's living in. The other one is an old guru who is detached from outside influences and attachments so he sees the world for what it is, he's quiet knowledgeable and sharp and shares the exact same experiences with the other younger guy only without being influenced from the outside world.
You are a mix of both guys, you are completely fine as long as both sides are in balance but when the young guy is in control you start to get into trouble and it keeps piling up to the point where you lose contact with the guru. That's when you start experiencing the loss of control and emotional fluctuations which either manifest outwards or stay inside you in the form of noise and restlessness.
Now you know the cause and effect of your condition but how do we fix this?
You need to know that the guru never left you, its just that the young guy is so loud that you can't hear the guru, and he keeps getting louder and more restless while he's taking control over you. When you reach this state of imbalance, you can't bring them in balance like before, so you need to go about it in a different way. That's when the dark room comes into use, the one always trying to get out of the dark room is the ego who has total control over you. When finally he stops trying and you start praying/meditating, you get in contact with the guru because you adopted his philosophy. The situation you were in has forced you to be locked up in a dark room with nothing, no attachments to material things like money and luxury items which are of no use to you in there. And no attachments to people, you have already decided that even the people closest to your heart are too much to handle at this point and of no help to you. So the situation was reversed and the ego has abandoned attachments and joined the self so you'd feel immidiately at peace.
This sense of peacefulness is not permanent at first, only when you are praying/meditating, but after keeping a fixed schedule you will start feeling peaceful for longer periods and your perception in this peaceful state will start to shift towards the self's ideals and beliefs which are also your own experiences but with real truth as your guide instead of the collective perception of truth/reality that was predominant in your social circle.
An example is when you get into an argument over supporting one political party over another with a close friend or relative. Your old self would get emotional because you think you are obviousely right and your family/friend should trust you, your new self will calmly state his point of view and will never argue the point because in your current understanding you see both sides clearly and only side with the one beneficial to the majority of your people, no need to argue or defend as no one is right or wrong here. As for your family/friend you treat them the same way you indulge a child, it's not worth it upsetting them over a small matter and they are still different individuals that need to live their own lives and make their own choices, you don't want to overshadow their experiences in the name of caring for them, so you only point out pros and cons of each party and inform them of your choice giving them space to think and make their own decision.
You are more of an observer now, instead of seeing right and wrong (duality) you see choices that are neither right nor wrong but only different enough to suit different people. This detachment is not unfeeling or uncaring to the people around you but it's coming from your understanding that you can not control their lives or make decisions for them, on the contrary if you actually did this you will be depriving them from actually living their lives, and you'd be confidant in your ability to offer them support if their choices ended up causing them trouble.
As you get more in touch with your inner self, your understanding expands. You become more tolerant and patient. Tolerant because your understanding of individual differences became generalised enough that nothing seems odd. Patient because you either know the outcome or can't do anything about it so why the rush. Worry is a thing of the past for you, because the moment you made your choice you already set things in motion so you'd only wait and see the outcome and deal with it accordingly as a new separate chellenge, you stopped stacking up events and consequences of events as a result of your constant worry which ultimately created a giant problem for yourself to deal with. That's called simplifying, your brain will always start simplifying and breaking down complex situations so you can give each small piece all your attention at one time which in turn will boost your concentration to unprecedented levels.
You can choose to argue, make fun, prank someone or just goof around with friends when you are bored, but ultimately you would need your own personal space to be with yourself and think/understand more about your new found perception which in turn will cement your bond with the self. From time to time you will feel sad/happy/frustrated and all that but not as strongly as before. You now know that happiness can't last forever so you enjoy it to the fullest while it lasts, never getting too excited for having it or worried over losing it. You wouldn't feel the crushing sadness with no end in sight, you will just wait for it to take its course because it will pass too. You know with absloute certainty that the only constant in life is loss.
Through this kind of understanding you will get a great sense of peace and quiet inside your head that's given time will be unbreakable. You will find that there is no real reason for worry or fear, if by chance you might happen to experience such emotions again you will feel a sense of adventure rather than annoyance or anxiety. Where in the past you used to be afraid of people judging you/pointing at you, you'd only be afraid of ghosts maybe ;) which is not an everyday thing and might be fun to feel the adrenaline rush.
Let's talk next time about the transition from restlessness to stillness in depth.
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